This Week's Light: When the System Fails Our Kids (And Why We Fight Back)

A weekly reflection from the Shared Light community

Friends,

Some weeks test everything you thought you knew about how the world works. This was one of those weeks—the kind that leaves you questioning systems you trusted and realizing that sometimes the people who are supposed to protect our children are the ones we need to protect them from.

When Wednesday Changed Everything

The call came on Wednesday. You know the one, the call from the principal that immediately makes your stomach drop because you know it's not good news. What we heard on the other end of that line still makes my blood boil.

Our 10-year-old daughter, a 4th grader, had been the target of an inappropriate gesture from a boy at school. But here's the kicker: the reason for the call wasn't to inform us about how they were handling this boy's behavior. No, the call was to tell us that we needed to have a conversation with our daughter about "sending mixed messages to boys."

Let me say that again: our 10-year-old daughter was the victim of inappropriate behavior, and the school's response was to suggest that somehow, she was responsible for it.

The rage that followed was immediate and justified. Here's a grown adult, in a position of authority, essentially telling us that our child, our 10-year-old child who had done nothing wrong, needed to modify her behavior to prevent boys from acting inappropriately toward her. The victim-blaming was so blatant, so infuriating, that we knew immediately this wasn't a school environment we could trust with our daughter's safety or well-being.

Fighting a Broken System Gets Worse

We made the decision to pull her from school and began the process of transferring her somewhere safer. Surely, we thought, when we explained the situation to higher-ups, they would understand our concerns. Surely someone in the district would recognize how wrong this approach was when dealing with a 10-year-old.

We were wrong. Dead wrong.

During a phone call with the assistant superintendent, not only did he agree with the principal's handling of the situation, but he made it infinitely worse. When Dustie explained our concerns over the phone, this man, this father of daughters himself, told her that if he were in our shoes, he would be talking to his daughter about appropriate behavior with boys.

Let me paint you the full picture of what this "inappropriate behavior" actually was: After the incident, our 10-year-old daughter saw that the boy was crying. Being the compassionate kid she is, she chose to play with him later that afternoon to try to make the situation better. She was trying to show kindness to someone who was upset.

And for this act of compassion, for this attempt to restore peace, she was blamed for "sending mixed messages."

But it gets worse. After school that day, this same boy and the group of friends they hang out with threatened our daughter. So let's recap: she was the victim of inappropriate behavior, she showed kindness to her aggressor, and then she was threatened by a group of kids, and somehow, according to a female principal and a male assistant superintendent in positions of authority, our 10-year-old is the one who needs to change her behavior.

The assistant superintendent, a father of daughters, heard this entire situation over the phone and decided that our 10-year-old daughter's kindness was the problem. Not the boy's inappropriate gesture. Not the threats that followed. Our 4th grader's compassion.

The Week That Kept Coming

As if dealing with this systemic failure wasn't enough, this week threw everything else at us too. Monday brought a mysterious rash for our oldest that landed us at the doctor's office, still searching for answers about what caused it. Tuesday was my own check-up, which brought mixed news, I'm gaining weight, but all my labs still look great, so we're navigating that balance.

But honestly, all of that felt manageable compared to watching our 10-year-old navigate a system that failed her so completely and then blamed her for the failure.

Finding Light in the Darkness

By the end of the week, I knew we all needed some reset time. I left work early and came home to gather everyone for a late lunch together. With my youngest and Dustie already home, it became an impromptu family reset, all four of us around the table, no agenda other than being together when everything else felt chaotic.

Sometimes the most important thing you can do is show up for the people you love, especially when the world feels like it's working against them. Sometimes healing happens over shared meals and the simple act of choosing to be present with each other.

Saturday brought its own kind of healing when Dustie got up early to make almost 50 burritos for my employees who were putting in overtime hours. There's something powerful about channeling frustration into acts of service, about creating something good when everything else feels broken. Taking care of the people who work hard for you feels like the right response when everything else feels wrong.

Our gym routine got completely derailed this week – we only made it out a couple of times. But you know what? Sometimes taking care of your family's emotional well-being takes priority over physical fitness goals. Sometimes showing up means changing your plans entirely.

What This Week Taught Us About Showing Up

This week was a masterclass in what it means to advocate for the people you love. It reminded us that sometimes the systems we trust to protect our children will fail them spectacularly, and when that happens, we have to be willing to fight back.

We learned that "following proper channels" doesn't always lead to justice. That sometimes the people in authority positions, regardless of gender, even fathers of daughters, are more interested in protecting themselves and the status quo than protecting kids; that victim-blaming isn't just something that happens to other families, it can happen to yours, delivered over the phone by people who should know better, and when it does, you have to be ready to burn bridges if necessary.

But we also learned that our 10-year-old's compassion is not a flaw to be corrected. Her instinct to show kindness to someone who was upset is exactly the kind of person we want her to be. We will not let a broken system teach her that her empathy makes her responsible for other people's bad behavior.

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The Reset We All Need

This week left us all feeling raw and exhausted, but it also clarified something important: we will not compromise our children's safety or well-being to make other people comfortable. We will not teach our 10-year-old that she's responsible for other people's inappropriate behavior. We will not accept a system that punishes kindness and rewards aggression.

Sometimes a reset isn't about getting back to normal, it's about creating a new normal that actually serves your family's needs. That's where we are now, building something better from the ground up, finding a place where our daughter can be safe, supported, and celebrated for the compassionate person she is.

What We're Carrying Forward

We're angry, and we're tired, but we're also more determined than ever to create safe spaces for our children. This week reminded us that advocacy isn't optional; it's essential. That sometimes love looks like pulling your kid out of a toxic situation, even when it's inconvenient. That showing up for your family means being willing to fight systems that don't serve them, even when those systems are run by people who claim to understand.

How do you advocate for the people you love when systems fail them? What does showing up look like when the people in charge have lost their way?

This week tested us in ways we didn't expect, but it also reminded us what we're fighting for. Our children deserve better than administrators who blame victims and punish kindness. They deserve better, and we won't stop until they get it.

Here's to fighting the good fight and never backing down when it comes to protecting the people we love.

With fierce determination, JR & Dustie

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